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You can never change others, but you can inspire them too. When it comes to relationships, there is a common expectation that each of us wants to see our significant others be a better person. However, the truth is that if the focus of your relationship is to change your significant other you’re guaranteed to fail.

Nobody can change others but themselves. Other people, whoever they are can only inspire or motivate the change to happen. Remember the last time you made changes in yourself. Is it you telling yourself that you needed to change? You told yourself probably after you listened to some advice, input, or feedback from other people. Or maybe after you listened to motivational speeches and videos, after reading inspiring quotes, articles, or books, or after experiencing a life-changing event?

The need to change came from within after something or someone evoked your self-awareness, didn’t it? The same rule holds true for others. If you want to change others, change yourself first. Be the change you want to see in others. As Mahatma Gandhi once said wisely, “You must be the change you want to see in the world”. That is how you inspire others to change, by initiating the change that you want. Please note that it is ‘inspire to change’ not ‘to change’.  

So, if you’re longing for your significant other, your children, your best friend, your team members, etc to change, do this :

1. List what changes you want to see

2. Decide why you want those changes to happen (the Why or the Drive)

3. Decide why you want them to change (the Goals)

          - What’s in it for them – the benefits of changes for themselves?

          - What’s in it for you?     

          - What’s in it for your relationship?

          - What’s in it for your performance?

4. Then, start the changes in yourself. Let them see those changes in you. For example, if you want them to speak more gently to you, speak more gently to them first; if you want them to listen to you better, listen better to them first; if you want them to be more open to you, be more open to them first; if you want them to help you with your chores, help them with the tasks that matter to them, etc.

5. Communicate constantly to them what you’re doing, what you’re getting, and learning during the process, who you are becoming, and what you are feeling about the changes you’re making. Remember, actions speak louder than words, so walk the talk.

However, the tricky thing is that if you don’t change yourself wholeheartedly, meaning that if your ultimate drive to change is not to make yourself better but to change others, you will also fail. Your intention should be pure. You want to change because you want to be a better version of yourself, a happier person who has a happier and more fulfilling relationship. If your significant others change because of that, it is a bonus.  Good luck!